Like A Little Wemmick

"Sara, why are you so happy all the time?"

"You're always smiling..."

"Are you ever just a human?"

The number of times I have heard these things in the past few weeks... I don't even know. I mean, I have my mother's glowing smile (almost as glowing as her's), and sure, I am a pretty bubbly person when I want to be. But seriously! Random peeps have just been calling me out on being "so happy" lately, enough times that I sat down with myself and thought about it.

It's not "just the way I am," it's not my religion, it's not an easy life, or a lack of stress or anything like that.

And first of all, a disclaimer: I am NOT happy all the time. I'm not. There's stuff in my life that blows just as much as everyone else's. I don't like dealing in generalities, so here, I'll give some specific things that I'm not too fond of.

•               Work stresses me out more than I can handle sometimes; patients are hard, people are hard, time and money are hard. I especially don't like when I have to be the middle man, or when I'm tasked with something I have no idea how to do.

•               I miss my art form. I dedicated 24 years of my life to performance and art and creativity. I graduated with my first undergrad in ballet performance. I miss that every stinking day. It hurts my heart how much I miss it. I can't stand that I don't get to develop that as a skillset anymore. Teaching is not the same. My passion for performance will never go away, but that time got cut short. I hate that. I cry about it. I whine about it. I feel like I've wasted time and money on something that I understand and have a relationship with, and that can no longer be a part of my life. Not in the place where I live - I can't provide a life that way. Which brings us to...

•               Everyone is wondering, so here, let me answer your questions. Yes, it is hard to watch my friends have families that I don't have. My best friends growing up started getting married when they were 18, and on from there through 21-22. They are on their second or third child. I'm not complaining. I'm pointing it out. I don't like not having a family. I just don't. Now before I get a million DMs telling me that "my time will come" and "Sara, you're so amazing" and "it's gonna work out when it's right," I'm going to tell you that none of that helps. And I already know EVERY SINGLE THING that you would tell me. I don't want you to tell me about my future. Because you know why? I'm not talking about the future, I'm talking about right now. Right now is all we have. THIS is the future. It's not a race, I know. I don't care. I don't want to be a working girl. I don't care enough about money or position to be motivated by either. So yes, it hurts me to not have what I want most. That causes me daily pain.

•               I don't want to be back in school. "Well, then, Sara, don't!" Oh how simple to say. But one word: bills. They gotta be paid. 26-year-olds don't get to float around in limbo. At least not with my personality. I am too independent and proactive to sit around waiting for... the grass to grow. Ya girl's gotta eat, ya girl's gotta drive. Thus, nursing school. That's going to be two bachelor's degrees by the time I'm 29. Once again, before sending sympathetic messages, "you'll be such a great nurse!" "My brother's best friend's sister did the exact same thing and she's so happy," "It's a great field! I know so many people who love it!" I know. That's my point. I'm not made unhappy by the fact that I am going to be a nurse or how long it is taking. I don't like it, and I wish I weren't doing it, BUT I already chose what I wanted once, and I don't get to choose that anymore.

So, you see, this is why I am so taken aback when someone asks me how I am so happy all the time. I promise you, I am a human. I have a good smile on my face, and a bounce in my step, but that's because I choose to be that way. Inside of me there is stress, heartache, frustration, disappointment, and regret.

Here's the answer, and like most answers, it comes from a childhood lesson from my mother. You know that book, You Are Special, by Max Lucado? Yeah, you think you remember. I don't care how well you think you know the story, you should go back and read it. For those of you who haven't read it, I'm not going to tell you about it. You should deprive yourself no longer - get on Amazon and order it for yourself for Christmas for $5. You won't regret it. My mom used to read it to me all the time.

  

That book came to mind when I thought about why people might perceive me as being "so happy". I told you earlier, I'm not motivated by money or position. I am motivated by relationships. And honestly, my relationship with my "Eli" is the reason. He is the reason. I am also the reason.

I am happy because I want to be that way. Even when I'm down or disheartened, angry or fed-up, I have an undercurrent of joy. He is my joy because of the relationship I have with Him. I know that He asks me to do hard things. I give Him permission to do that. I expect to be asked to endure things I don't want to. I'm ok with that. That is the only way for me. He knows He can make "big asks" of me, and that I will do them even if I don't want to. And in return? He helps me have a special kind of sensitivity to the needs of others.

I don't go around with a frown on my face, because that would put a damper not only on my own day, but on everyone else's. I work proactively, quickly, and with compassion, because I don't want to be the inconvenience in someone's day. I smile because someone else will smile back. I laugh because it is contagious. I listen because it will alleviate someone's burden. I am kind in the checkout because she/he is already stressed, and I can make that go away with my own patience.

If you see me bee-bopping around, that's because of the Source of my light. Where else would I turn? "To whom shall [I] go?" (John 6:68).

I choose that relationship with Him. I choose that closeness. Sometimes I think I choose it simply because I hope He will take away my pain. I don't think, given the choice, that I would actually change anything in my past. I'm sure there are some situations where I would have rather ensured that the light defeat the dark, but maybe it did anyways. And I am blind to see it. I allow myself to feel robbed of things I should have or could have. I make myself a saint in my own mind thinking that I have "endured so much." And I have, I'm sure. I don't think it does any good to compare situations from one person to another - saying someone else has it worse or better helps nothing. I have endured much, for what I can bear.

(Those of you who interact with me regularly and on a personal basis will probably be wondering why in the world anyone would think that I'm more happy than anyone else seems to be. Good - we're in the same boat.)

I hope, somehow, there is a trail of cohesive thought through all of this. If you, reader, understand nothing else, understand this. (1) I am the way I am by choice (2) He is the reason for my choice. Anyone can make any choice they want to make, but remember that all choices are not equal. Not equally valuable, fruitful, or correct.